My greatest story ever told

Friday, October 01, 2010

It's been a long time since I have updated this blog. Seriously speaking, I have nothing much to update about my life.. Perhaps because it's very personal stuffs and I dont want to broadcast for the entire world to know.

Anyway, I'm going back to melbourne next monday. =( This time, I really dont want to go back because I'm gonna miss my family and friends... I just wish time can go faster so that next yr would come and I'll be back in singapore. During my 2wks stay in singapore, I managed to meet up with Rachel,Vonne,Grace,Siti and yee loong.. I guess the rest of my friends are currently busy with their work/studies, so guys, it's okay that we dont get to meet this time round. There's always another time. =)

Right now inside me, I'm feeling kinda weird? It's hard to describe the feeling, but I know this feeling is not good. It's sort of like 90% guilt + 10% happiness. Damn! It's making me sick and affecting my mood. I hate to feel this way and deep down inside me, I know I shouldnt be doing it in the first place, yet I cant control myself and things just happened as it did. What was I supposed to do? How was I supposed to know? 1 part of me wants it so much but the other side of me is repelling whatever is coming my way. It has been a battle and yet I didnt realised it until now. That part of me has actually been dormant inside me for so long, and now it chooses to explode. RIGHT WHEN I'M BACK IN SINGAPORE, WHEN I'M ABOUT TO GO BACK TO MELBOURNE NEXT WEEK.

Seriously, is this some kind of game? Why did it have to wait for so long for me to realise it? I must have been either blinded by all other things or I chose not to believe it. Perhaps I thought that by not believing it or even think about it, the thing would gradually disappear, like magic. Well.. Initially I believed this would be the case, but who knows it has resurfaced again. And the timing that it has chosen is just perfect. Just too perfect. But all in all, who can I blame for the situation that I am in right now? The answer is no one but me. Anything decision that I make right now, I will have to bear the consequences in the future. But it's already torturing me like hell. Right now I cant sleep well. Can you imagine waking up in the middle of the night, feeling this guilt? It's like food getting stuck in your stomach and no matter how you try to get it out, nothing works. I, myself know what I have to do to rectify the whole thing, but the problem is, do I want to and can I bear to do so? Deep down inside me, I already know the answer. All I need now is the courage to do it. Or should I just stick to what happen next and let nature takes its course? What should I do? I dont want to repeat the same mistake I did in the past but having said that, it's already all too late. Nothing I do now will change the situation. No matter how you look at the situation, the resulting conclusion would still be the same. I'm the cause of it. Nothing will ever change that. I'm starting to begrudge my life. I'm feeling very terrible right now. The sense of guilt is too strong for me to ignore. It's like a parasite in my body, slowly eating up my strength, my life, my will.

Please. Let me have the courage to do the right thing even if I know it's gonna hurt even more. Please.

think again. 12:09 AM

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Stupid blogger just deleted what i wrote.. Well.. I cant be bothered to type again so I shall just post some pictures. Note: They are in reverse order..

26 June 10

Dinner at Bistro Vue
430 Little Collins St
Melbourne

Dessert: Lemon Parfait

Dessert: Tarte Tatin. This is seriously delicious!

Fresh water trout wrapped with proscuitto ham

Braised beef cheek.

3 June 10

On my birthday

think again. 9:43 AM

Monday, June 28, 2010

Finally Honours year is completed!

Had the final mcq exam today. 2/3 of the paper was based on epilepsy qns and I don even wanna talk or think abt it coz it's just too depressing. Anyway, a few of us had korean buffet in chinatown area before heading back to the lab. Michaela was so nice to bake a cake for us to celebrate the end of exam. =) So right now, I'm officially free from any work, studying-related stuffs (unless i volunteer to go back to lab, which i prolly will if I'm too bored at hme) I cant believe how fast time has passed. Benji is coming next wed, I'm graduating and hopefully will get my visa to work here.

I think I'm in my emo mood right now.. I can feel the emptiness within me and I have started to daydream most of the day and yet I don even remember what I was thinking. This feeling sucks. I'm always falling back into this vicious cycle of mentally self-torment and depressing state.. Dont worry, I'm not in depression. Every woman will have a period of time whereby she just feels sucky and there's nth she can do about it. Arg! I need to do something to distract my mind.. Prolly will try to baking tmr or just go out..

P.S. I wanted to post pictures that I have taken since my b'day but I'm just too lazy and not in the mood to do so.. So you guys just have to be patient with me. =)

think again. 8:50 PM

Monday, May 17, 2010

Today was a unproductive day. Had 2 lectures, 10.30am and 2pm. It basically screwed up my time today.. I had no mood to do anything today. Tried writing my thesis but nothing came to my mind. So I decided to edit the photos but they were so many to edit.

What's going on with me? I seems to have lose my focus around here. Wake up Chin Chin!!! Stop dreaming and get back to reality! I hate the way I'm feeling right now. It's neither here nor there. I tried so hard not to think about it, but it just keeps coming back to me. Deep down I know that it's not gonna happen but the feeling just wont go away. And just when I thought I have sorted out everything, BANG! Everything just came back to me like a bullet train.

Stop being so naive and behaving like a kid. You know that it's impossible and there wont be a good ending to it. Why bother to go down that pathway when you already know the ending? It will only hurt more in the end. You can only blame yourself for everything that has happened up till now.

I have to snap out of it and stop living in my own fantasy world.

The truth is, it's hard to fight back the emotions and pretend nothing has happened. Whatever the situation is, I just have to force myself not to sink deeper into it. I need someone to pull me out of the quicksand that dragging me slowly right now. All the dilemma, frustration and anxiety are killing me right now. I just need to know the truth. Just tell me and I'll be okay. Stop playing games with me cause I really can't take it anymore.

I'm mentally drained...

Pls.. Either be in or out of my life.

think again. 8:15 PM

Sunday, May 16, 2010

I'm back for another round of update..

I must be either very free or crazy to update my blog now cause thesis submission is in 1wk time! But I just had to urge to post 1 entry right now..

My mum just called me (again), just to check on how I'm doing right now.. My niece and nephew are at our place and they just had dinner. I just miss the warmth of my family. All the fun and laughter that I share with Faith and Lucas. When I came over to melbourne, I was afraid that they would forget about me. A part of me wanted to stay in Singapore because I know I would miss my family. However, everyone has to make sacrifices in their lifetime. For me, it's been my dream to study overseas and so this is one heart-breaking decision I had to make..

But when I was talking to Faith and asked her if she misses me, she said YES! I was so touched at that moment. And she said it in the most nicest and sweetest way.. I miss all the times we spent playing silly doll games, or when she wants me to carry her despite she's already 7yrs old. No wonder what she ask from me, I'll always try to fulfill them. Honestly speaking, I dote alot on my niece. Perhaps it's because I have taken care of her since she was borned. Somehow I feel that I'm her 1/2 aunt and 1/2 mum.

I miss her so much! =(

think again. 8:52 PM

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Thesis submission date has been changed to a later date, (24 May) and oral presentation is on 7 June.. Though it's after my birthday, I'm still glad that the department changed the dates. =)

So for the past few days I've been mugging to write my thesis. OMG! There's so many things to write. Intro, M&M, Results, discussion, figures and tables! Editing the pictures alone took me hours just to finish. Darn! But I'm glad to have my supervisors helping me out. I must admit that I'm very fortunate to be under their guidance. They really care alot for us, especially our future. It would be wonderful if I get the PhD scholarship.

No wait... I WILL get the scholarship so that I can continue to stay in melbourne, in our lab, and learn more from them.

It's the final sprint. I have to cherish every single moment and do my very best!

To side track, I finally managed to watch Iron Man 2, despite my hectic schedule. Somehow I feel that the both Iron man movies ended very abruptly. First the bad guy comes out, then they fought for less than 5 min and BANG! The baddie is dead! Where's the action? I thought there would be more fighting scenes between Iron man and the baddie. Oh well, but overall, I think the movie is pretty satisfying, it just needs more action tt's all. The other movies that I wanna watch are Robin Hood, Prince of Persia and my favourite of all, Nightmare on Elm street!!!! It's showing in Melbourne on 20 May! Cant watch for it to be in the cinemas and hopefully it would be as good as the previous ones as Robert Englund is not portraying as Freddie Krueger in this movie.
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Well.... This period is really stressful for me. My emotions are running like a wild rollercoaster ride. I hate this kind of feeling, sometimes it's so unbearable that I just wanna scream at the top of my voice. I know that certain things happen for a reason but why do they always have to occur at the wrong time? Perhaps it's just me who is thinking that this is the wrong time but in fact is the perfect time? I know for certainty that it will go away soon. I had it before and I knew it. I'm just going through 1 of those phase in my life where my thoughts and emotions are clouded. I just want all these to end. It's taking its toll on me, draining every single drop of energy that I have. It's hard to conceal this within me. I have to put on a strong front in front of everyone because I dont like to affect people with my erractic moods, but on the other hand, sometimes I just cant control and let it all out. I know it's annoying and sometimes I hate myself for behaving the way I am. I just have to control my emotions and try not to be a nuisance to the others.

Damn it! I just need to get a hold of myself! You know it's not gonna end up the way you wan it and you don wan it either.. Arg!

think again. 10:58 AM

Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Well well.. I'm back for another round of updates!

I must say I had a very enjoyable easter holiday this year. Initially I planned to go to the lab everyday but I'm glad friends asked me out and I got the excuse to take a break to clear my mind off work.

3/4/10 Sat

I met up with Janet to watch 'How to Train Your Dragon' in 3D at the Imax theatre. The movie is fantastic! I had doubts about it at first but I was totally blown away by the movie. Now I understand why everyone is so obsessed with this movie. =)

After that we went to Melbourne central to get tix for 'Clash of the titans'. Yap! We watched 2 movies in a day! Well. Janet wanted to watch Dragons while i wanted to watch titans so we decided to compromise and watched both! Anyway, after getting the tix, we went to Cumulus Inc to have lunch. We've read good reviews about this restaurant and decided to try it out.

Complimentary sourdough bread

From left (clockwise): wagyu, proscuitto, rabbit terrine and salami

Rocket salad with candied walnut

Whoooo.. Rum at lunch time?

Steamed Chocolate pudding with creme frachie and hazelnut toffee

Rum baba.

So have you guessed what's the rum for?

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Tada!

It goes with the sponge cake! You're supposed to cut it 1/2 and pour as much rum as you like. But I wouldnt advise anyone to pour too much as the cake would soak up the rum and taste bitter.

Janet, with her dessert

4/4/10 Easter Sunday

I went back to the lab on sunday. (yesh I know it's freaking sunday and I shldnt have gone back!) Was supposed to do expt but my cells werent looking good so I cant do it. Anyway, I went to Esther's place ard 5pm to help out cooking for our Easter dinner! =D

Ppl busy in the kitchen cooking...

Hmmm.. What are they doing?

Lol! It's our dessert! Pastry sheets filled with dark chocolate cube. Somehow it resembles samosa. Never mind abt the weird looking shaped thingy..

End product!

Squid vongole. Kinda looks like hokkien mee. Hahas..

Lamb shank pie!!

We had lotsa of alcohol at dinner. For lamb shank pie, we used up 1/2 bottle of red wine and for vongole, it was white wine. We also opened a bottle of moscato and white wine. Tsk tsk tsk.. Sinful dinner. =P

5/4/10 Easter Monday

Ballarat trip on Easter Monday! Thanks to Ley hian and hui xuan for inviting me to the trip with them. And thanks to their friend, zhen dong who was the driver of the day. Just a little info on Ballarat. During 1850s, people from all over Australia and other countries came rushing to ballarat when gold was found. Yeah! You heard me right! Ballarat used to be a gold mine! Sovereign Hill was the location of the gold mine.