Friday, October 01, 2010
It's been a long time since I have updated this blog. Seriously speaking, I have nothing much to update about my life.. Perhaps because it's very personal stuffs and I dont want to broadcast for the entire world to know.
Anyway, I'm going back to melbourne next monday. =( This time, I really dont want to go back because I'm gonna miss my family and friends... I just wish time can go faster so that next yr would come and I'll be back in singapore. During my 2wks stay in singapore, I managed to meet up with Rachel,Vonne,Grace,Siti and yee loong.. I guess the rest of my friends are currently busy with their work/studies, so guys, it's okay that we dont get to meet this time round. There's always another time. =)
Right now inside me, I'm feeling kinda weird? It's hard to describe the feeling, but I know this feeling is not good. It's sort of like 90% guilt + 10% happiness. Damn! It's making me sick and affecting my mood. I hate to feel this way and deep down inside me, I know I shouldnt be doing it in the first place, yet I cant control myself and things just happened as it did. What was I supposed to do? How was I supposed to know? 1 part of me wants it so much but the other side of me is repelling whatever is coming my way. It has been a battle and yet I didnt realised it until now. That part of me has actually been dormant inside me for so long, and now it chooses to explode. RIGHT WHEN I'M BACK IN SINGAPORE, WHEN I'M ABOUT TO GO BACK TO MELBOURNE NEXT WEEK.
Seriously, is this some kind of game? Why did it have to wait for so long for me to realise it? I must have been either blinded by all other things or I chose not to believe it. Perhaps I thought that by not believing it or even think about it, the thing would gradually disappear, like magic. Well.. Initially I believed this would be the case, but who knows it has resurfaced again. And the timing that it has chosen is just perfect.
Just too perfect. But all in all, who can I blame for the situation that I am in right now? The answer is no one but me. Anything decision that I make right now, I will have to bear the consequences in the future. But it's already torturing me like hell. Right now I cant sleep well. Can you imagine waking up in the middle of the night, feeling this guilt? It's like food getting stuck in your stomach and no matter how you try to get it out, nothing works. I, myself know what I have to do to rectify the whole thing, but the problem is, do I want to and can I bear to do so? Deep down inside me, I already know the answer. All I need now is the courage to do it. Or should I just stick to what happen next and let nature takes its course? What should I do? I dont want to repeat the same mistake I did in the past but having said that, it's already all too late. Nothing I do now will change the situation. No matter how you look at the situation, the resulting conclusion would still be the same. I'm the cause of it. Nothing will ever change that. I'm starting to begrudge my life. I'm feeling very terrible right now. The sense of guilt is too strong for me to ignore. It's like a parasite in my body, slowly eating up my strength, my life, my will.
Please. Let me have the courage to do the right thing even if I know it's gonna hurt even more. Please.
think again. 12:09 AM
